The following message is a call to arms against an apocalyptic international cloning project.
Recent news reports from myriad respectable sources have revealed an effort by Japanese scientists to clone the “extinct” wooly mammoth. By harvesting the intact DNA of the prehistoric beast from glaciers and tar-pits, researchers are confident that they will be able to coax into existence this giant elephant-like arctic dweller. Such prospects have been met excitement and encouragement by the Asian scientific community; I, on the other hand, greet such irresponsibility with alarm. Consider the following:
- The adult wooly mammoth weighs over 18,000 lbs., can reach speeds of 55 mph, and is armed with tusks the length of a mid-sized school bus.
- Wooly mammoths have been found with the bodies of hunters frozen in their intestines; such discoveries suggest an insatiable thirst for human blood.
- We have no idea of how children wooly mammoths behave. Consider a two thousand pound puppy: playful and cute, yes; but deadly.
- During the golden age of the wooly mammoth (the first ice age), this nearly invincible killing machine stood alone and untouched at the top of its food chain. Among its victims were the Tyrannosaurus Rex (so-called “King of the Dinosaurs”), the pterodactyl, the brontosaurus, and other animals hundreds of times larger and stronger than the modern homo sapien. Why must this gigantic animal be cloned? Why not the Dodo bird, if something MUST be disturbed from its extinction? Have we not enough threats?
With this said, I would like to offer a compromise to the Japanese, our Eastern brothers. On their end, I would like a written statement (in English) that the wooly mammoth will not exit the borders of their historic island, and that the scientists in question will provide the population with information on methods of controlling/exterminating this animal. In a special way, I demand a clause be included that explicitly guarantees that the wooly mammoth will never enter the northeastern United States, which includes the state of New York. Finally, the wooly mammoth must never be used as a weapon of mass destruction. On my end, I will terminate the movement against the cloning of the wooly mammoth in Japan.
To support my cause, please contact me to purchase a “Keep the Wooly Mammoths in Japan” bumper sticker. Also, I expect the release of my new book, “What’s Wrong with the Do-Do Bird?”, in early 2012.
dude, that thing ate a t-rex? how is that possible?
ReplyDeletenicole's never been taken for more of a loop. dying.
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